The result of all the personality forming of the past will make one able to go out into the world putting on the best face. As this meets general success, the past reasons for becoming that personality will fade from remembrance. An assumption is formed that this whom you are supposed to be. This is what you will stand on, and defend against anyone who tries to say otherwise.
Events will come up in life to challenge who you think you are. You may have defenses that others see as quirks that they don’t like. Neither they nor you will see that these are defenses against feeling the shame of having others see you as less than you want to be seen. Some will have become dominant over others in almost unseen ways, in order to be seen as competent. Others will hide from the limelight, finding it more comfortable to never have others question their competence. Some will develop a happy-go-lucky attitude that nothing bothers them. There will be many mixes of these attitudes, making each of us unique.
But each of them will still have within them the desire to get their way, without it being seen as selfishness. There is innate within each of us the desire to rule over others, or at least to not let anyone else rule over us. However, if the prize we desire is worth enough to us, we will put on a face to impress another, making it a point to appear as close to perfect as possible. For example, this often happens when one meets the one he has the desire to marry.
Once the marriage is accomplished, the guard will be let down a bit. It took a long time to polish the pouting and anger to where it does not show. But sooner or later, the methods of manipulating to get one’s way will emerge. It will now only be a slight change in voice inflection, body language, or facial expression. But it will have a greater effect than words. Besides, words cannot be recalled once said. But things can be said one way while having a different meaning if a voice inflection is added. Then if questioned about the voice tone, that can be denied as your imagination, deflecting blame. And of course, withholding of love can also be used to get one’s way, while justifying that had the other not done something wrong, this would not be invoked.
These are the tools of war people use while finding just what a life partner is willing to give and take. When these fail to work to advantage, then it often turns into loud arguments while each tries to get his way. And of course, sometimes it can go beyond that to physical action. But most at least try to hammer out boundaries, and often they can learn which ones not to cross. The final product of this is compromise, not love, even though it can look like love.
The reason things come to this is the unwillingness to talk openly and truthfully. And the reason this is not done is, that each fears being seen as rejectable in doing so. It goes back to the childhood fears that set the foundation of shame. Newlyweds become naked before each other, exposing their physical “shame.” But to avoid being seen as rejectable, they will not expose their spiritual shame, becoming naked in that respect. We are not confrontable.
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